So, your co-parent has a new romantic partner, and maybe you’re not the biggest fan of that person. You might be wondering: Do I get a say about whether or not my kids spend time with this person?
In this post, I’ll go over:
- When you do and when you do not have a say about who your kids spend time with when they’re with your co-parent
- How to raise your concerns in a way that’s effective and respectful
- Who to share your concerns with
Danger Vs. Discomfort
We have to start by asking: What exactly are your concerns about this romantic partner? More specifically, is your concern about danger to your kids (some kind of clear, observable, and significant harm) or is it about discomfort you feel for some other reason?
Examples of valid concerns regarding danger include a known history of:
- Violence, whether toward your kids or anyone else
- Substance abuse and/or driving while intoxicated
- Being verbally or emotionally abusive or threatening
- Exhibiting dangerously poor judgment
Here are some examples of things some people are uncomfortable with when it comes to having their kids spend time with their co-parent’s romantic partner:
- What if this person will be a bad moral influence on my kids?
- What if my kids will become attached to this person, and as a result become less connected with me?
- Why has my co-parent already moved on romantically?
List Your Concerns
It’s a good idea to explore your concerns and put them down in writing, with whatever relevant examples you can think of. Talk about your concern with one or more people (a close friend, a faith leader, a therapist, or our Divorcing Dads Support Group). It’s okay to do this several times with several people. Follow these steps:
Step 1: Generate a list of your concerns. What are the behaviors of the partner? How would these behaviors negatively impact your kids? What specific examples of this have you already seen or heard about?
Step 2: For each concern, decide whether or not it’s about danger.
Keep in mind that dangerous a fairly high bar to cross. Remember also that your co-parent probably loves the kids and wants what’s best for them, and probably would not knowingly endanger them. Of course, it is possible that your co-parent might endanger your kids without realizing it, or would even choose to endanger the kids and minimize the risks involved – it’s just unlikely.
Concerns About Danger
When you are concerned about danger to your kids, you have a few options, and in extreme cases you can ask the courts to intervene and ensure your kids are safe. It’s important to take quick and assertive action, in order to protect your kids and also in order to signal to everyone involved (including the court, if it reaches that point) that you consider this an urgent matter. Begin by communicating with your co-parent, keeping the following in mind:
- Communicate in writing
- Use clear, respectful language
- Focus only on your children. This is not the time to discuss your personal misgivings about your co-parent and your co-parent’s partner.
- Give specific examples of things you saw or heard that lead you to be concerned
- Be explicit about your concern for the safety and well-being of your children
- Express your belief that your co-parent is committed to the safety and well-being of your children
- Suggest possible solutions
- Invite a discussion
Depending on the nature of your relationship with your co-parent, you may be able to discuss it in writing or in person (e.g., at a café). Whatever agreement you reach, put it in writing so you are both completely clear about what you agreed on. For example, if you met in person, you can always follow up by email and write something like “Thank you for discussing this with me. Here’s my understanding of what we agreed on: [DETAILS GO HERE]. Does this sound right?”
If you are unable to resolve matters between the two of you, you can work with a mediator to resolve these issues.
If you are unable to reach an agreement that puts your concerns to rest (either just between the two of you or with a mediator), you may need to turn to the legal system to protect your children’s safety. You can hire a family lawyer to help you, or you can represent yourself in court. If you are self-representing, go to the court clerk and ask for resources for self-representation in family matters. The clerk will probably guide you to the “family services” office, which can offer some guidance.
Concerns About Things Other Than Danger
If your concerns are about your discomfort with the new partner and/or a general sense that time with this person wouldn’t be good for the kids, but your concerns do not involve a high likelihood of harm, it’s unlikely that you will be able to stop your co-parent from having your kids spend time with the romantic partner. Remember: You cannot tell your co-parent what to do when your kids are not with your co-parent. Just like you would not want your co-parent telling you how to spend your time with your kids, you cannot dictate these kinds of things to your co-parent.
You always have the option of discussing your concerns with your co-parent, and it’s a good idea to do that. Remember that you are talking about the person your co-parent chose as a partner. Insulting this person, or your co-parent, is unlikely to result in your co-parent suddenly waking up to the fact that you are totally right, the romantic partner is awful, and everything should be done according to your views. For better and for worse, you are in a long-term co-parenting relationship with your co-parent, and it’s important to keep the relationship as functional and as tolerable as possible, for both of you, so you can collaborate on taking the best possible care of your kids. Start a conversation with your co-parent, keeping the following in mind:
- Communicate in writing
- Use clear, respectful language
- Focus only on your children. This is not the time to discuss your personal misgivings about your co-parent and your co-parent’s partner.
- Give specific examples of things you saw or heard that lead you to be concerned
- Be explicit about your concern for the short-term and/or long-term well-being of your children
- Express your belief that your co-parent is committed to the well-being of your children
- Suggest possible solutions
- Invite a discussion
Depending on the nature of your relationship with your co-parent, you may be able to discuss it in writing or in person (e.g., at a café). Whatever agreement you reach, put it in writing so you are both completely clear about what you agreed on. For example, if you met in person, you can always follow up by email and write something like “Thank you for discussing this with me. Here’s my understanding of what we agreed on: [DETAILS GO HERE]. Do I understand correctly?”
If you are unable to resolve matters between the two of you directly, you can meet with a mediator to resolve these issues.
Monitor The Situation
Regardless of agreements you do (or do not) reach, continue keeping an eye on the kids. See how they’re doing and listen to whatever stories they share. Over time, your concern may diminish, or it may grow. Continue communicating about this with your co-parent, in writing. This will help keep everyone informed, document what has been happening, and demonstrate that you have been expressing your concerns respectfully and productively.
Complain
Whatever the nature of your concerns, remember you’re always allowed to complain. Reach out to people who care about you and with whom you feel safe, and tell them about what’s going on. Process your thoughts, process your emotions, gain some clarity and a more informed perspective. Your family, friends, spiritual leader, therapist, coach, support group (like the one here at DivorcingDads.org), or your pet – don’t just keep it to yourself. Talking to people is one of the most important things you can do to take care of yourself, alongside getting enough sleep. Prioritize taking care of yourself, so you can enjoy your own life, despite the parts of it that are less-than-ideal. By taking care of yourself, you are empowering yourself to be the father you want to be, fully present and joyful when you are with your children.
